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Flaws
and All Author's Note: This fic is based on a song, so all the song lyrics are in bold print. Two days. It’s been two days since I heard him say it and I can’t get it out of my head. I just keep replaying the whole thing in my head. If I hadn’t heard it with my own two ears, I’d never have believed it. Sometimes I wonder if it was a set-up of some kind. Did Jerry realize that I was listening to him and Jax? I mean, they were in my office. The door was cracked open. The only problem is, if it was a set-up surely Jerry would’ve tried to convince me of the truth in what he said, but I’ve seen him twice since then and he’s said nothing. It’s like I can still hear every word ... “What are you doing here, Jerry?” Jax asked, irritated beyond belief. “Waiting for Alexis. We have a dinner date.” “Haven’t I told you to leave her alone? She deserves better than you.” “Look, I know you think I’m a horrible person, but Alexis seems to think differently.” “That’s because she doesn’t know you like I do. You’ll just break her heart. After everything she’s been through, she deserves someone who will stick around and be there for her. We both know that’s not you. Sonny, Ric, hell even her own family have hurt her so much. She’s been through hell in her life, Jerry. She doesn’t need one more person who will claim to care about her and then bail on her.” “I’m not going to bail on her.” “Ye,s you will. The only thing you care about is yourself and what you can get.” “I really don’t need to get into another fight with you little brother, so I’m going to go. Tell Alexis that I’m sorry, but I’ll call her later.” “See, there you go. You say Alexis is waiting for you, and just because I tell you something you don’t want to hear, you’re just going to leave her hanging wondering why you bailed on your ‘date.’” “I’m not bailing on her. I just don’t want to get into yet another fight with you. Alexis doesn’t need to feel torn between being with me and upsetting you, so I’m going to go before this escalates any further.” “Oh, so you expect me to believe that you’re leaving because you don’t want Alexis come in and see us fighting? That’s rich, Jerry. You act like you care so much about Alexis.” “I do, more than you know.” “Don’t worry. When you bail on her, I’ll be here to pick up the pieces.” “I’ve told you, I’m not going to bail on her!” “What makes Alexis any different than anything else in your life? Tell me. You bail on everything else. How am I supposed to believe you won’t bail on her?” “Because I love her, damn it!” He said he loved me. He told Jax that he loved me. Never in a million years would I have thought that he loved me. What scares me the most, is that I think I love him too. I must be losing my mind, in love with yet another bad boy. What the hell in wrong with me? I’m so glad the girls are with Sam tonight. I need some time to myself to just think. What I really need is a glass of wine and a nice hot bubble bath. Maybe even a little music. I need to just lay back and relax. Release some of this tension. God, that sounds good. I love bubble baths. Just me, a glass of wine, and the radio. I just wish they weren’t playing love songs. It makes me think of Jerry, but I’m too comfortable to get up and change the station. I’m a train wreck in the morning ... I’ve never heard this song before. It sounds so beautiful. The first line alone makes me think of Jerry. I wish I could get him out of my head, but the song makes me remember the first time I woke up in his bed. I really was a train wreck that morning. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but I was just so tired. That man takes a lot out of me, but that’s okay. That morning, though, I remember running around the room like a woman possessed trying to find my clothes so that I could get home and change in order to make it to work on time. He suggested I just go straight to work from his hotel room, but I found it a bit tacky to show up to work wearing the same thing I wore the day before. I’m a bitch in the afternoon ... How many times have I been just that to Jerry? Too many times, that’s for sure. Especially in the beginning when he was pursuing me. Sometimes I wonder why he even puts up with me. I guess after overhearing him talking to Jax, I can say it’s because he loves me. I really need to work on not being such a pain in the butt to him. Every
now and then without warning I called him a monster. He tried to tell me that not all the monsters in the world were under my bed. How do I respond to him? I tell him that one of the monsters is in my bed. I regretted it the second it was out of my mouth. I couldn’t even look at him, but not even seeing his face, I could hear the hurt in his voice. I’ve put my foot in my mouth more times in my life than I can count, but that had to be one of the worst times. He had been so patient and understanding with me and I just hit him with an insult like that. I apologized, but I’m not sure he really believed me. I’m going to make it up to him somehow. I’m
a puzzle yes indeed Complex? That’s the understatement of the century. Let’s face it, I’ve never been simple. Maybe that’s one of the reasons none of the relationships I’ve had have worked. Men don’t understand me and don’t want to try. The difference with Jerry is that he seems to understand me without even trying. He sees the picture. He sees me for who I am. I’ve never had that. Every man I’ve ever been with just sees who they think I am and I can never seem to live up to the picture of me that they paint for themselves. But Jerry, he just sees what I show him. Not necessarily what I want him to see, but everything that makes me who I am. He notices every gesture, every word, every look and takes it for what it is. There is no in between the lines with him. It just is what it is. Frankly, it’s refreshing to not wonder what he’s thinking of me. He makes it quite clear every time he looks at me. Every time he kisses me. How did I not realize that it’s love until I heard him admit it to Jax? I should’ve seen it. Maybe I was just scared to see it. I don’t know. I
don’t know why you love me Why does he love me? Me? I mean, he could have any woman he wants. He’s certainly charming, gorgeous, and that accent. Any woman would surely fall in love with him, but he chose me. I’m not sure why, but the more I think about it, I’m glad he did. I love him. There I admitted it to myself. Now the hard part will be admitting it to him. Maybe I’ll just make him make the first move. I hate this part of relationships. You catch me when I fall ... He defended me children. No man in my life, or theirs, has ever done that. Not even their fathers really defend them. Sonny and Ric pretend that they would defend them, but I know that it’s just that, pretend. They act as if I’m just overprotective and neurotic. Maybe I am, but they should take me at my word when I say that their children are in danger. Given their respective professions, you’d think they’d jump at any threat, imagined or otherwise, but they don’t. I think that’s why when Anthony Zacarra threatened Kristina’s life, I went to Jerry for help. He doesn’t see me as some overprotective mother, but a cautious one. When I told him that Anthony Zacarra threatened Kristina’s life, he went into action. Not the action I would’ve wanted, but the action that Zacarra needed to hear. Accept
me flaws and all Jerry accepts me for everything I am. A mother, an attorney, a woman. He doesn’t see me as just one of those things, but as all of them rolled into one. He sees past my protestations, all my neurotic babbling, he sees past it all. That’s probably the biggest reason I love him. There, I said it again. It seems to get easier every time I say it. I just hope it’s as easy to say it to Jerry as it is to admit to myself. I neglect you when I’m working ... I do neglect him when I’m working. I know I do. I mean, he brings me a picnic dinner in my office, trying to make sure that I eat, and what do I do? I list all of the things I need to do before I leave the office. Do I thank him? No, I just act like he’s not even there. I know he was irritated with me, but I paid him no mind. I sent him away so that I could work. Then he comes back and I insult him. What the hell is wrong with me? When I need attention I tend to nag ... Then, when I don’t think he’s paying enough attention to me, I nag him about it. Well, maybe nag is the wrong word. I pout. Yes, I definitely pout. I pretend to be mad at him, when in reality, I’m jealous. I’m jealous of whatever it is that he’s doing that doesn’t include me. It’s such a double standard. I think he should give me space, then I want him to be involved in his life. I really need to work on that. I’m
a host of imperfections I’m not perfect. I know I’m not. There’s a million and one things I could change about myself, but then I wonder if I’d still be the same person. It’s a dilemma that I have. To change or not to change, that is the question. I don’t know, Jerry seems to be happy with all that I am, imperfections and all. I mean, he loves me. I can’t help but smile at that. He loves me. Imperfections and all. I’m
a peasant by some standards In my life, I’ve been considered a peasant by a lot of people. Helena, the other kids at my boarding school, the men at the first law firm I worked at after law school, hell at times even Sonny and Ric acted like I was beneath them in some way. Jerry has never done that. He’s always acted as if I’m his equal. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. He’s not always been up front with me about his ‘business’ dealings, but he’s never acted like I didn’t already know that what he does is dangerous and highly illegal. He doesn’t undermine my intelligence, he just isn’t forthcoming with information. It’s actually kind of cute to watch him try to avoid my questions. He gets this hurt puppy look when he knows he has to keep something from me. I know one day he’ll tell me everything and I’ll try to wait patiently for that day. It’s a talk we need to have. You
see potential in all my flaws I know when that talk comes, he will know me well enough to not hold back. He knows that with all my flaws, that I’m someone who sees good in almost everybody. I’m positive he will know that no matter what he’s done in the past, I’ll still see him as the kind, loving, understanding Jerry that he is when he’s with me. He sees that about me. Past everything, he sees my heart. He knows it’s been ripped apart in the past, but he sees the potential for me to love again. I
don’t know why you love me I’m falling in love again. Jerry has made that possible. In my life I’ve realized that the fairy tale is just that, a fairy tale. It doesn’t exist, and I’m not sure that I want it to. What I have with Jerry is no fairy tale and it might not end happily ever after, but I’m willing to take that chance. Love does strange things to people. It takes a dangerous bad boy a turns him into a gentle, loving person. It takes a stubborn, independent career woman and turns her into a giddy schoolgirl. That’s exactly how I feel when I’m around Jerry. I get the butterflies in my stomach and that lightheaded feeling that I remember having as a teenager. I love him for giving me that feeling back. You
catch me when I fall I’m ready to fall. I know he’ll catch me. Jerry once told me that when it comes to romance that I’ve convinced myself that nothing beautiful will happen to me. At the time he was completely right. He told me that he would prove me wrong, and he has. He’s convinced me that I can fall and have someone catch me. No one has ever been able to convince me of that even before they’ve told me that they love me. Jerry has and I couldn’t be happier. I feel an overwhelming need to call him and tell him that I’m in love with him. I don’t even feel nervous about it. In fact, I think I’ll call him right now. And that’s why I love you ... Drain the tub And that’s why I love you ... Dry off And that’s why I love you ... Put on a robe And that’s why I love you ... Pick up the phone and dial Jerry’s number “Jerry, it’s Alexis. Can you come over to the lakehouse tonight? I really need to talk to you. It’s important.” The End And just because I thought this song was so beautiful and I thought it was great for J-Lex, I also made a J-Lex vid using the above song. You're welcome to check it out if you so wish.
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