The Doll
by SexisFan

Part 2 -- Needful Things

It was one of those magical days when spring dropped in for a visit in the middle of winter. The ground, while still frozen, was free from the snow that had covered it more days than not since Thanksgiving. The air was soft and temperate, stirring just enough to give life to the day, but not enough to produce even the slightest chill of a breeze. The sun was bright, the sky a pale, clear blue dotted here and there with a puff of cotton candy clouds.

It was perfect day for Alexis to take her daughter for a stroll through the park.

When Alexis was a little girl and her sister Kristina was born, babies were pushed through the park in baby buggies - large rectangular beds of navy blue padded with a thin mattress, set on a wheeled frame and sporting an accordion-like canopy to shield the little one from sun and wind. Over the years, buggies and carriages gave way to increasingly compact strollers that could fold up like umbrellas and be stowed with ease - the complete opposite of the cumbersome carriages of the fifties and sixties. The pendulum was swinging back, though, as older parents with tons of disposable income driving large SUVs now looked for luxury wheels for their infants as well. No longer were stylish babies found in strollers. Now they traveled hither and yon in what were known as Infant Transportation Systems. Naturally, little Kristina was the oblivious owner of an ITS, which for all intents and purposes was a collapsible baby buggy with the requisite modern bells and whistles. It was probably a bit pretentious, but Alexis felt compelled to give her daughter the best of everything that was within her means.

Alexis steered the ITS toward an empty bench near the playground. While Tina was certainly much too young to appreciate the sandbox or any of the playground equipment, Alexis felt very motherly sitting with her daughter within a stone's throw of the other children and mothers enjoying the park that day. Somehow, she felt as if being Kristina's mother had given her membership in an exclusive club, a role that she relished.

Seated on the bench, Alexis glanced into the ITS at the tiny, dark haired girl bundled in lightweight blankets and nestled next to the Cuban rag doll that was her first gift from her father - the father who wasn't supposed to know that she was his daughter.

Alexis had reacted with panic to Sonny's visit and his gift of his mother's obviously well-loved doll from the land of her birth. As she lifted the doll's skirts that day and read the stitched letters spelling out the name Adella, Alexis was overwhelmed with the fear and certainty that Sonny somehow knew that this child was his.

Alexis' first instinct had been to run, to leave Port Charles as fast as she could. It was a plan she would have carried out on impulse had Cameron not been there to calm her down and lead her through the logic of the situation.

There was a small chance that Sonny had no idea, and no suspicion, that Tina was his daughter. Perhaps he simply wanted to make a peace offering, as he had said that day. He and Carly were not likely to have any more children, he may have wanted his mother's doll to be loved again, believing that he would never have a daughter of his own to whom he could pass the toy. Sonny and Alexis had shared a bond of friendship over the similarities of their childhood experiences and the loss of their mothers. The gift may have simply been an act of friendship with no other layers to uncover.

It was more likely that somehow Sonny suspected that Tina was his child. Alexis wasn't sure why he'd harbor such a suspicion after the DNA tests had cited Ned as the father, but it was possible that Sonny might not trust the test. After all, DNA had identified the body from the lake as Carly's earlier that summer, and everyone found out that those tests were wrong. Maybe he carried doubts - or hopes - about little Kristina's paternity.

The third possibility was that Sonny had discovered the truth somehow, that he knew that Tina was his daughter. If this was so, he wasn't rushing to make a claim upon her, Cameron pointed out. Unless Alexis feared that Sonny would steal the child away from her - kidnap his own daughter....No, Alexis had assured him that Sonny wouldn't do such a thing. Even at his lowest points of frustration with Carly, when he couldn't stand the sight of her even though she was carrying his child, when the Quartermaines were attempting to raise the child as one of their own, Sonny had never resorted to an option such as stealing his child away from its mother. Not even when the mother was Carly. There was no way Alexis could imagine him taking Kristina away from her by force or trickery.

Logic suggested that there was no reason to over-react, no reason to run from her life in Port Charles. If Sonny only suspected Tina's paternity, running would make him more suspicious. And if he knew, and was determined to be part of his daughter's life, Alexis could make her decision should he ever put forth such a claim.

Alexis gazed lovingly upon her sleeping daughter. Dark lashes lay softly against cherubic cheeks flushed pink with sleep. The tiny budlike mouth moved now and again in a suckling motion, highlighting the dimples that were so much like her father's. Sometimes she looked so much like Sonny that it tore at Alexis' heart. It was so hard to forget the times when she and Sonny had been friends, when they had trusted each other and comforted each other. And it was even harder to remember those times and to know that she was keeping from that man the knowledge of his one living child. Warm memories of her friend and one-time lover would make her doubt her decision to keep his child from him. Then she'd get a flash of memory that reminded her of the cold, deadly part of him - the part that she feared her child knowing or being near. She wasn't scared that Sonny would hurt their daughter. But she feared the effect his life could have on her. She feared the shame her child might feel should the whole town know that the Russian princess was also a mafia princess. There were just so many dangers and complications in telling Sonny the truth. Still, when she watched her daughter sleep in such innocence and knew that Sonny would never know the kind of joy that he'd given her in making her a mother, she wavered under the weight of her guilt.

"She's beautiful, Alexis."

Sonny's hushed appreciation was whispered over her shoulder, startling her out of her reverie. Alexis felt her muscles tense and she had to will away the urge to run from his presence. Swallowing past the lump in her throat, she replied quietly, "Thank you."

"She looks like you."

And I was just sitting her thinking that she looks like you. "You think so?" Alexis asked, still not daring to turn and look up at him.

"Mmm-hmm. That cute little turned up nose. And that serious expression. She looks like she's solving the problems of the world in her dreams."

Alexis could hear the smile in Sonny's voice as he spoke of her - their - daughter. "So you think she'll be a serious, straight-laced snob, like her mother?" Alexis responded, half teasing, half defensive.

Sonny's warm laughter sounded low and rich behind her. "I think she'll be brilliant, beautiful and brave." His hand fell softly onto Alexis' shoulder, giving a gentle squeeze of affection. "Like her mother."

Alexis blinked back tears. She didn't want him to be nice to her. This was so much easier when he was a bastard.

"She's so tiny." Sonny whispered in awe, his opposite hand falling to Alexis' other shoulder, then both hands sliding to the back of the bench one either side of her as he leaned forward over her shoulder, bringing the warmth of his body closer.

Alexis shivered.

"That doll is almost as big as she is," he noted.

"Not for long. She's growing every day."

"I'm glad you gave it to her." His hushed voice was choked with emotion.

Oh, God. He knows. He knows. "It's a lovely gift Sonny," Alexis replied, putting on her best royal Cassadine manners. "Thank you."

"It's hard to imagine that a whole brand new person fits into something so small." The awe and pride in his tone was unmistakable.

"Yes," she whispered. "It's amazing...and miraculous."

Sonny stepped away to move around the end of the bench, taking a seat an arm's length from Alexis. "Ashton isn't around much," he stated, accusingly.

Alexis swallowed, her eyes still fixed on her daughter. "Ned is very busy with ELQ."

Sonny nodded. "Too busy to enjoy this miracle?"

"Sonny, that's really not any of your..."

"I'd want to spend every minute I could with my child...and the woman I loved."

Alexis' fingers twisted and knotted in her lap. "Not every child is conceived in love, Sonny." She finally raised her eyes to his, daring to look at him at last. "You should know that."

Sonny let his gaze linger on hers for a long few silent seconds. "This one was," he whispered, an enigmatic smile playing at his lips. His eyes slid over to the baby sleeping between them. "I can tell."

Alexis turned away, flustered. "A moment of emotion doesn't mean that two people can - or should - make a life together."

Sonny's head bowed a bit as his gaze fell to the ground.

"Kristina and I are a family, and we're fine. We don't need Ned..."

"Because of the shrink?"

"What?"

"The shrink. What's-his-name. He's around a lot." Sonny's tone was almost petulant.

"How would you know that?" Alexis snapped, defensively, suddenly wondering if he was having her and Tina guarded.

"I have eyes, Alexis!" Sonny snapped back. "So does the rest of the town. It's almost impossible to see you in public without the shrink at your side. I'm surprised he's not..."

"Cameron is no more your business than is Ned," Alexis cut in.

"I'm just saying...Maybe you don't need Ned because there's someone else?"

Alexis pulled herself up ramrod straight, meeting Sonny's eyes with an angry glare. "I don't need Ned because I can take care of myself. I can take care of my daughter. And I can do it without Ned, Cameron, or any other man!" she asserted with controlled fury.

Sonny didn't shrink from her anger. Rather, he pressed forward. "You're strong, Alexis. I know that as well as anyone."

Alexis softened a bit at his words, dropping her eyes from his and turning her attention back to her slumbering daughter.

"So is this how it will be? Just you and Kristina?"

Alexis turned back to face him again. "I don't know, Sonny," she answered honestly. "I don't know the future."

"I'm just saying, if you don't need anyone..."

"I think someone is confusing needing with loving." Cameron's deep voice brought a brief smile to Alexis' face, and a glower to Sonny's.

"Is that so?" Sonny answered, defensively.

"It is," Cameron replied with assurance. "And it's a misconception found to be the foundation of many dysfunctional relationships."

"Cameron..." Alexis tried to interject.

"I don't recall anyone asking for your advice," Sonny snapped angrily at the psychiatrist looming over them.

"No need to ask, Mr. Corinthos. I'm a generous man."

"You're also interrupting."

"Sonny..." Alexis warned.

"Am I? Well, it seemed like an opportune moment to offer my expertise. Confusing need with love is a serious mistake that many - insecure - people make in their relationships."

"Really?" Sonny crossed his legs and leaned back, his arm reaching out toward Alexis as he stretched along the back of he bench. "Why don't tell us all about it?" he suggested sarcastically.

"Certainly," Cameron responded with a forced smile as he settled to Alexis' other side on the bench. "Neediness, you see, can be a very attractive quality. It is particularly attractive to people who feel unworthy of love, to people who fear abandonment."

Cameron had Alexis' full attention now. "Why is that?" she asked, truly curious.

"Because someone who needs you is less likely to leave you. When a person feels unlovable, or fears being unlovable, being needed is much safer than being loved."

"You don't think people need to be loved, Doc?" Sonny asked, baiting the psychiatrist.

Cameron chuckled. "We all have needs, Mr. Corinthos. There's a difference though between having needs and being needy. The mature person is able and willing to see that their needs are met, that individual doesn't rely on one particular person to be responsible for meeting their needs for them. The needy person, on the other hand, continually dumps the responsibility for their needs onto others."

Sonny shifted uncomfortably, suddenly reminded of all the times Carly had proclaimed her need for him, just as she had proclaimed her need for Jason before him. "You don't think a person can be needed and loved?" Sonny asked, interested in the answer in spite of himself.

"When a needy person loves you, she - or he - loves you for what you can do for them, for what you can give them. They love you for your function, not for who you are. It's much more frightening to be loved by a person who chooses to love you for who you are, rather than by a person who needs to love you in order to survive. The former has the potential to break your heart. The latter will likely hang on to you forever, long after you get tired of the demands of being needed."

The doctor's words were jarring, affecting Sonny more deeply than either Alexis or the psychiatrist could tell by looking at him. For the first time, there were words to put to the feelings he'd been experiencing in May, when Carly came back from her faked death. Sonny had been at a crossroads then, faced with the certainty of a woman who would do anything to hold on to him because she needed him so much, versus the uncertainty of a woman who had no need for him - and who he feared would never be able to choose him. He had chosen what seemed then the safer of the two options.

Shaking himself free of the uncomfortable insight, Sonny rose from the bench with a fluid grace. "Well, class has been great, Doc, but I think I hear the bell." He offered Alexis a genuinely warm smile. "I'll see you around."

Alexis shifted uncomfortably under his friendliness. "Uh...Yes, I'm sure you will."

Sonny made a quarter turn, stopping to peer down at the precious form of his sleeping daughter. Slowly he reached his hand toward her, hesitating for just a second when he heard Alexis catch her breath. Then softly, with the gentlest of touches, he stroked the tender round cheek with he back of his index finger. A soft smile rose reflexively on the tiny face, melting the heart of the man who longed to claim her as his own. Sonny turned to Alexis then, his moist eyes meeting her fearful gaze.

"Maybe next time she'll be awake, and - uh - maybe I could hold her?"

Alexis swallowed the knot of fear in her throat and nodded. "Maybe," she rasped, hoarsely. "Maybe next time."

Sonny bit his lower lip and offered just a hint of a nod as his eyes poured forth his gratitude. Not trusting himself to speak, he turned from the trio at the park bench and headed across the park at a brisk pace. Questions and doubts about needing and loving rolled around in the back of his mind. He'd have to sort through them some day. But for now all he could focus on were two words. Next time. It didn't matter how long it took, he knew that every day he'd be living for the next time.

part 3