Do I Dare
by SexisFan

There was something different about her from the start. I knew it, and it hooked me.

You see, most of the time, I get by one of two ways. The first is intimidation. It's fast, it's effective. And it almost always gets me what I want. Hell, I don't even have to try to be intimidating. People hear the name Sonny Corinthos and that's usually all it takes. Bam! Whatever Sonny wants, Sonny gets.

But not with her.

She knew who I was. She knew my reputation. And it didn't faze her. The way she looked at me, I might as well have been standing there in my old altar boy robes. I wasn't the least bit frightening to her; she didn't bat an eye. She wasn't going to be an easy one to intimidate. And I respected that.

So I turned on the charm. It's something I'm good at, something that works for me. I was smooth. I flirted. I smiled. I sent her flowers. I did all the things that always work on a woman.

Every woman but her.

She was a cool one. She didn't give an inch. I couldn't even flatter her in that way that lets you know that a woman is susceptible to some more shmoozing. There wasn't a crack in her armor. She didn't care what I thought of her, didn't care what I might be willing to give her. There was just no gaining the advantage on her.

That hooked me. You see, I like to win.

So she was a challenge from the start. Eventually, I got what I wanted and she was representing me. But when it happened, it wasn't really about me. It was for her, and on her terms. Sometimes it was about her principles, justice and "innocent until" and all that jazz. Sometimes it was just about the fact that she likes to win, too. And winning anything on my behalf in this town was a challenge she couldn't pass up.

Alexis loves a challenge. We're a lot alike that way.

It was a challenge that brought her closer to the center of my life, in a roundabout sort of way. I was determined to get Carly back into my apartment and my life a couple of years ago. Yeah, I know what a mistake it was. But at the time, I couldn't pass up the challenge. When Alexis mentioned looking for a place to move, I saw an opportunity too good to pass up. I rented her the penthouse across the hall, the one Carly was about to move into. My plan was to force Carly's hand. In the process, I unknowingly opened the door to getting to know Alexis in a way I'd never had the chance to know her before.

Suddenly we were seeing each other all the time. It made it convenient for doing business, and we ended up doing more business face to face that previously would have been conducted by phone or messenger. But it wasn't just that our business arrangement was more convenient. Our private lives kept bumping into each other. Small exchanges in the hallway and the elevator began to add up. We began to become more than attorney and client. We began to get to know each other as people. We weren't exactly friends in the beginning. But by the time that Ashton asked her to marry him, we were close enough that she was able to turn to me when there was no one else to share her fears with. She probably hated it at the time that she would be desperate enough to confide in me of all people. But it was the beginning of our friendship.

Now, at first, there really wasn't much friendship. I listened to her fears about marriage. I couldn't fix it for her, though. And even then probably wouldn't have wanted to. Ashton isn't someone I'd wish on any woman. But I listened because it helped her, and it helped me to let her vent so that she wouldn't fall apart. I'm still selfish enough to want my lawyer on her toes while I was dealing with Sorel and Carlos both coming after me.

Then there was the shootout at the PCPD. When the gunfire started, I reacted out of instinct. I pushed her to the ground and took the gunfire that might have killed her. I didn't have time to think about it. It just happened. But it changed something between us. Not so much because I saved her, or that she thought I saved her. It was more about sharing a life or death experience, something that others can be told about but never will live through like we did.

We were bonded in blood.

Carly knew, even though I don't think Alexis and I had realized how much had changed between us. Carly's jealousy went through the roof. I tried to smooth things out with Carly, but she was certain that Alexis held a place in my life that Carly couldn't touch. I guess she was right.

There were still problems along the way for me and Alexis, though. When I had Zander snatched and hidden away from her - and lied to her about it. I couldn't think of another way to do things in order to get what I needed and to protect her at the same time. But it was a betrayal to her and she was furious. It caused her to rethink our relationship, and for a while it looked like we might never be real friends again. I didn't want to believe that, but down deep I was scared I'd wrecked things too much for us to go back. And it surprised me to realize how much it would cost me if I didn't have her friendship again.

Someone once told me that without conflict, there can never be true intimacy. Going through that time together and learning how to come back together brought us closer. By that time, Carly and I were over. Everything everyone had warned me about Carly, everything that I'd ever warned Jason about Carly, had come true. Part of me wished I could be the kind of person to get over it and to try to make our family work. I'm not sure why. I know I was feeling like this was my last chance to have a family, my last chance to not be alone for the rest of my life.

I twisted myself in knots over the whole thing. And Alexis stood by supporting me. She wanted me to be happy and she gave me her counsel. But she didn't tell me what to do, and I knew that no matter what I chose she'd never support me any less. That's something I can't manage with people as well as Alexis can. I admire that about her.

When we went to Puerto Rico, it started out as business. But something changed while we were there. At first, I was just trying to help her out, just trying to get her to loosen up and have a good time. She and Ashton had ended by then. She'd found her long-lost sister, Kristina. She'd suffered at Helena's hand. She's lost her best friend. And all that pain she carried on the strongest, most gorgeous shoulders I'd ever seen. Alexis isn't weak at all. But sometimes in order to stay strong, she turns off parts of herself that make her so. . .Alexis. I just wanted to help her blow off some steam.

At first.

When I saw her in that dress, feeling so awkward and insecure, my heart melted. She had no idea how beautiful she was. And I wanted her to know. I knew she'd catch more than one set of eyes when we went to the casino, and I wanted her to experience that attention.

Until it happened. I still wanted her to know how beautiful she was. But when I returned from some business and saw her dancing with that hot Latin stud, I was surprised to find myself feeling jealous. I didn't want his hands on her. I didn't want his eyes on her. So I stepped in and took her all for myself.

I tried to tell myself that I was just being me - territorial. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't about her or about us, there WAS no us. It was just me having to be the alpha male. At least, that's what I wanted to believe.

Why was it so hard to recognize and accept my own jealousy? Or that it came from my feelings for Alexis? I'm not sure, to be honest. I'm not so big on analyzing myself. I just know what I feel. Sometimes. In Puerto Rico, I was feeling something but didn't have a name to describe it. This was Alexis, my friend. My attorney. My tenant.

So the rest of the evening, I skirted around feelings that were too confusing for me too figure out. Why did she look so different to me in the Puerto Rican moonlight? When had she started wearing that perfume? Had her hair always been so soft? Had her touch always been so gentle? Were those dimples always so deep?

We danced that night. And when she took a walk on the side of a fountain, she fell into my arms. There had been only one time when our bodies had been so completely close to each other, and that was on a snowy sidewalk outside the PCPD. In Puerto Rico, we were a world away from that horrible night and my body was responding to being so close to hers. I was almost ashamed of myself for what I was feeling and for what my body was doing. But I played it cool. I flirted with her like I always have. And she played off my flirtations as she always does. Only this time, I couldn't help wishing that she'd slip up and show herself receptive, even a little bit, to my advances. A couple of times there I thought it was happening. She'd look into my eyes and it seemed as though she was seriously considering getting into the game. But I was wrong. It must have been the rum. I guess it slowed down her reflexes so that it took her just a little longer to shut down my passes. And in those few ticks of time, I found myself holding my breath and hoping that she would show me just a little encouragement. All I needed was the door to open just a little.

But things ended too soon when I was called back to take care of another Carly mess. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by then.

Anyway. Something changed in Puerto Rico. It wasn't so obvious that I could put my finger on it, but it was there like something you want to say and it's on the tip of your tongue but you just can't make it surface in your brain so that you can actually speak the words. That's how I felt around Alexis. That there was something I should be seeing, but it was just too fuzzy to be clear to me.

Then came Kristina. She came over with her fiery temper and her big mouth. She was trying to defend her sister, and in the middle of it blurts out that Alexis is in love with me.

It was incredible. Impossible. I knew that I had no reason to believe it. Kristina barely knew Alexis, and Alexis is a deep, deep woman. She knows how to hide her heart, just like I do. It's something that people like us had to learn in order to become survivors. Kristina doesn't understand that. She's a young, overly-romantic girl with a lot of odd ideas about furniture and stuff. She's weird. But part of me wanted her to be right. I tried telling myself that maybe Alexis had hidden her heart from me, and that somehow Kristina had seen what I couldn't.

So I went searching. Carefully. I flirted like usual, but I was watching carefully for her response. I was hoping to see even a flicker. I made suggestive remarks, hoping she'd pick up on the tone. I asked her to go back to Puerto Rico with me, thinking maybe this time I could see if what I felt there was real and not my imagination.

Boy, that was a mistake.

She couldn't even come up with an answer to that one. In those long, long seconds when she was speechless, I could see the wheels spinning as she tried to get out of it without insulting me. I had overstepped the boundaries big time. So I backpedaled. Fast. Made out like I was joking. Then I sent her flowers. I know, I know. It makes no sense. I get shot down and go right trying a different approach. I guess I was thinking that even if she wasn't in love with me, maybe I could rouse some sort of feeling in her for me, something warmer than friendship.

Of course Carly stepped in again and I ruined the whole thing by jumping as soon as she pushed my buttons. I've been doing that a lot when I look back on it. I get to a certain point with Alexis, then something comes up that takes all my attention and it's like I can't think of anything else. Most recently it's been this mess with Courtney and AJ that has me distracted. Maybe it's just easier for me to deal with things outside of myself, things that it feels like I can control with the right amount of money or manpower.

I can't control what I feel. And I sure as hell can't control what Alexis feels - or doesn't feel. Maybe that's why I jump headfirst into these battles that I can fight outside of myself.

Or maybe I'm burning off some frustrated sexual energy. Sorry to be so blunt, but there it is. It's hard being around Alexis wondering what I've been wondering and hoping what I've been hoping without having. . .thoughts. And thoughts lead to fantasies. And fantasies lead to. . .nothing that is as satisfying as I imagine being with Alexis would be.

Whew. Kind of got off track there. Or maybe I didn't. Maybe this is right where the track is supposed to lead, to where I am right now.

I've been here once before. It was another time when Helena was on the loose and Alexis was in danger. I slept on her couch to protect her. Well, I wasn't doing much sleeping those nights. I haven't been doing much sleeping for a long, long time. She probably thought it was about Carly. But it wasn't really. It started after Carly and I ended, but it's about much more than breaking up with someone who was never right for me.

It was that jail cell. Spending the night caged like an animal. Knowing that someone had done that to me out of "love". It wakened a lot of demons I've tried hard to keep quiet in my head. During the day, I can keep myself busy and it isn't so bad. But alone at night, I can't stand it. Everything is so quiet. Everything but my head. The thoughts race. Sometimes I'm so scared I can't breathe. I can't even tell you what I'm afraid of exactly.

Isn't that a riot? Sonny Corinthos, cowering in the dark, afraid to go to bed. Afraid of bad dreams. Afraid of not waking up the next morning. But even more afraid that I WILL wake up to face another day. I know she'd probably understand, but I haven't been able to bring myself to tell her about it. After all the time I spent telling her to breathe and trying to calm her fears, look at me.

So that night, I wasn't sleeping. But I knew that she was. This was before Kristina's blurt. It was before Puerto Rico. It was before I started wondering about things I probably shouldn't be wondering about. All I knew then was that Alexis was someone I trusted, someone I could trust. And I got it in my head that if I could be with her, maybe I could feel safe enough to sleep.

So I went upstairs to her room. Just like I have tonight.

I stood over her bed. Just like I'm doing right now.

And I watched her sleep. Just like now.

I stood there wanting to crawl into bed with her, wanting to share her peace. I just wanted so much to sleep and to feel safe. The temptation was unbearable.

I don't know if I ever would have done it, though. And didn't get the chance to find out. At least not that night. She was dreaming and woke with a start while I was standing over her. That didn't make her feel any calmer, let me tell you. She was pretty rattled. But I used it to my advantage, focusing on her dream and distracting her so much that she never even asked what I was doing in her room that night.

I wonder what I would have said if she asked.

What would I say tonight if she woke up right now?

She sent me to bed in my own apartment. Stood there at the foot of the stairs waiting and watching until I reached my room and shut my door. It felt kind of nice having her worry over me. I almost felt like I could fall asleep knowing that she was nearby. Then I heard her leave.

The bed was torture. The sheets knotted around me tighter and tighter while I tossed and turned. I wasn't going to get any sleep, and I knew it. So I got up and went downstairs for a drink. Might as well, I thought. I got a glass and put in a few ice cubes. I reached for the whiskey. And that's when the rum caught my eye. I can't be anywhere near rum now without thinking of Alexis and how I started to feel in Puerto Rico.

I picked up the bottle and held it in my hands. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm tired. At least that's my excuse. But that bottle. . .standing there feeling the smooth curves of the cool glass, I felt almost as if I could be touching Alexis. I wondered whether she slept every night in silk. I imagined it would be as smooth and cool as the bottle in my hand. I thought of that cool smoothness molding to the curves of her body.

And I wanted to see her. I needed to see her. I needed to be close enough to hear her breathing.

So here I am. Standing over her bed, wanting with all my heart to slip under the sheets and take her into my arms. Her skin shines softly in the moonlight. She looks so beautiful, so peaceful. The sound of her soft breathing is barely audible over the rush of my own heartbeat in my ears. I wonder if the sound of my pulse will waken her.

She stirs and I hold my breath, waiting to see if she wakens. But sleep continues to hold her, making me wish I could hold her, too.

Even if we only slept, it would be like heaven to me. I know the warm softness of her flesh. I know the silkiness of her hair against my skin. I know her scent, the light and beautiful scent that is Alexis. I know just what she'd feel like in my arms, and I ache for that feeling.

I don't know how she tastes. But my mouth waters at the idea of someday finding out.

Alexis. So close that I could touch her. I want to touch her. I want to hold her. I want to go to her and take comfort from her.

But I still don't know what she wants. It would be such a risk, I do know that.

Alexis. I ask your advice on so many matters. I wish I could just ask you what to do when it comes to you. What would you say? "Sonny, be reasonable"? Would that be your response? Or would this be the one time you'd be ready to ignore reason with me?

Alexis. I can't stand here all night. I have to decide.

I know what I want to do.

Do I dare?