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Alexis'
chest was heaving as she labored to catch her breath. "What
do you mean...what are you saying...I don't....What..."
"Alexis, just breathe, breathe," Sonny said in a calming
voice. He half-rose from the couch, concerned, as he had always
been when she hyperventilated. But before he could rise fully, Alexis
took three more steps backward, away from him.
"Don't...don't come near me." She stood, shaking in her
nightgown, and focused with all her strength on getting her breathing
under control. When she felt she could speak again, she folded her
arms around her midsection and looked at Sonny from beneath her
fringe of bangs. "What do you mean you know Kristina is your
daughter?"
Sonny shrugged, his eyes large with certainty. "I just know
it. I see it in her eyes, in the way she makes a fist and shakes
it when she doesn't get her way. I see it in her temper, her stubborness.
In the way she looks at you, like you're the sun and the moon all
rolled into one -- that's the way I looked at my mother. When she
smiles, I see my own happiness. I just know." It was the truth.
Sonny had realized that first day he'd had a chance to spend time
with Kristina, to watch her up close and play with her in the snow,
that she was his child. It wasn't a guess. Every living cell in
his body knew it for a fact.
"Oh my God. Oh my God." Alexis wasn't looking at him anymore.
Her eyes were closed and she was frowning. Sonny waited for her
to look at him again. When she finally did, she said simply, "I
can't talk about this right now. Everything you've said tonight,
and now this....I'm sorry. I can't talk to you anymore." She
left the room so quickly there wasn't time for him to utter a syllable
of protest.
Sonny sat up by himself for another hour, pondering all the times
that Alexis had been silent before. She had a tendency to keep steadfastly
quiet whenever he most wanted her to say something. Years before,
at the height of their -- whatever it could be called -- she had
never once stated what she felt for him. He heard from everyone
but Alexis that she had been in love with him, but she'd never said
the words. Never even come close. She had even refused to let him
speak about how he felt. She also hid any pain or anger over
his return to Carly, never speaking on the matter once. He had been
more hurt and more scared by Alexis' silences than by all the words
that all the other women in the world had thrown at him.
****
The next morning, Alexis was distant and efficient as they breakfasted
and walked the short distance over to the Woodson's house with Kristina.
She spoke to Sonny, with politeness and without anything that could
be construed as warmth. Kristina was edgy and fussed more than usual,
as if she sensed the new chill in the air. At the Woodson's, Sonny
took Kristina on his lap and told Alexis to go ahead and make her
calls; Alexis didn't protest.
Sonny was rubbing his nose against Kristina's and she was giggling
when Alexis returned from the small study where she made her daily
calls. Sonny went still when he saw the expression on Alexis' face.
"What is it?" he asked.
Alexis turned to Mrs. Woodson and smiled with false brightness.
"I heard back from one of the jobs I've been looking into,
and I'd like to discuss it with Michael. Could you watch Kristina
for a moment?"
The old woman readily agreed to babysit, and Sonny followed Alexis
out the side door.
"Jax and Luke both left messages. They've been doing their
best to follow Helena and her guards, and they say she's talking
about 'hunting me down to my old haunts.' She's got people in Manhattan
and in Boston. She's obviously figured out that I'm hiding out somewhere
that I've lived before. It's only a matter of time before she comes
here." Alexis looked around at the snow-covered farmland, as
if she expected to see Helena's grinning face emerge from the woods.
"Okay, then we'll move. We'll go abroad," Sonny said,
his mind racing through the possibilities.
Alexis shook her head. "Too dangerous. She'll be looking for
that." She sighed with frustration. "It's not safe to
run, it's not safe to stay...She'll be happy to hunt me to the end
of the world. I wish there were a failsafe plan somewhere, but there
is none. I just need to maximize our chances."
"Then we'll run, but not too far. Maine, maybe, or west, by
car."
Alexis met his eyes. He looked as worried as she felt. "Alright,"
she said, nodding. "Let's go to the store, get some maps and
supplies for the road. We'll decide our route today, and leave tomorrow."
****
That night, after the supplies were packed into the car and the
map was marked, Sonny stoked the fire. Alexis came out of the bedroom
in her nightgown. He'd heard her reading a story to Kristina; the
story had stopped more than ten minutes before. In those ten minutes,
he knew Alexis had been debating whether to come out and talk to
him. Now that all the practicalities had been decided, there was
nothing to talk about except what they had been talking about the
night before.
"Hi," she said, almost shyly.
He stood up from the fire and just looked at her. He had always
thought of her as a beautiful woman, but there were moments, like
this one, when he thought his heart would leap from his chest at
the sight of her. He didn't know what brought them on. Sometimes,
it was just the arc of her long neck, or the sight of her lashes
batting against her cheek as she avoided his gaze. Even over the
past three years, when they'd considered each other the enemy, these
moments would sometimes come over him when he saw her standing on
the docks, or eating at Kelly's, or standing in a courtroom.
"Hi," he said. "I wasn't sure we were gonna have
our card game tonight."
"We're not," Alexis said. "I want to talk."
Sonny let out a whoosh of breath. "Wow. Well. I guess I should
sit down for this, then. This is a rare occasion."
"What do you mean?" Alexis frowned. "I talk all the
time."
"You say words all the time," Sonny agreed, "but
tonight it sounds like you want to *talk*. That's different."
They sat on the couch at the same time. They didn't sit at opposite
ends. Alexis was careful to not put distance between them. She wanted
to be brave, and not run away from him. Not this time.
"Okay, well," Alexis began nervously, "first of all,
I want to say, thank you for all of your help, and I'll never be
able to repay you, but it's almost Christmas, and it's time you
got home to your family. So tomorrow, when we go, I'll drop you
off at the train station, and Kristina and I will --"
"You're my family," Sonny interrupted softly. But the
statement brooked no argument.
Alexis saw the fight in his eyes and decided not to provoke him.
"Okay, let's talk about that." When Sonny visibly relaxed,
she continued. "I admit that Kristina is your daughter. I didn't
tell you because I was afraid of all the danger that surrounds you."
She let out a short, harsh laugh. "Look at me, I'm one to talk
about danger."
"No, don't blame yourself for this situation. This isn't your
fault. And I know why you kept Kristina from me. You're right about
my world being a dangerous place. I'm not saying I think you were
right to keep her from me, but I understand it."
Alexis concentrated on breathing and staying still. Everything in
her wanted to bolt from the room. But it was important to face emotion
sometimes, she knew that. In theory. *Face it, Alexis,* her inner
voice screamed. *Alright, I'm doing it, I'm doing it,* she snapped
back. "So, obviously," she said to Sonny, meeting his
gaze with some difficulty, "there's a lot I have to apologize
for. And not just for Kristina. But for a lot of things I've said
to you over the past few years. I shouldn't have said those horrible
things to you when my sister died, and at her funeral --"
"No, no, don't, please," Sonny cut her off. "I should
never have said all those things to you when you were in the hospital.
We've both said a lot to each other that we shouldn't have. It's
past, now. We don't need to bring it all up tonight."
Alexis frowned, stymied. She'd been ready for the whole shebang,
a litany of what she'd said against him, a plea for forgiveness
and friendship, but he seemed to have skipped right to the end.
Whatever she said now would be unplanned, un-pre-meditated. She
didn't like that. "You were the one who brought up the past,
though," she heard herself say. "You brought it up last
night. You told me what you've been going through, these past three
years. What you've been feeling. And I want to say, Sonny,"
where is this coming from?? she asked herself, "that
I'm so grateful that trust me enough to confide in me. I have to
admit, I was surprised to hear you speak so, so openly about your
emotions."
"Why?" Sonny asked. "I've always known I can trust
you."
"It's not that. It's just...I was surprised to see such tenderness
in you."
At that, Sonny's expression hardened. He leaned away from her and
gave her a look that was like ice. "You think I'm a goddamn
monster, don't you. You think I don't feel anything."
"No, I didn't mean it like..."
"You think I don't hurt, or have tender feelings?" Sonny
looked away, unable to speak for a moment, emotion blocking his
throat. Then he took a breath and, from sheer force of will, met
Alexis' surprised stare again. "Alexis, you do not now have,
nor have you ever had, any idea of what I feel, or how much I feel
it."
"Well..of course I wouldn't presume..." Alexis didn't
know how she got into this situation. She looked around the room,
as if for an escape route.
"I don't mean in general, either. I mean about certain things
in particular," Sonny went on. "And you, specifically."
"M--me?" Alexis stuttered.
"Yes, you. You've never asked me once. You've never asked me
to say what I think or feel about you. You never wanted to hear
it. Because some of it might break through those walls of yours."
"You're telling me that I have walls??"
Alexis asked, shocked.
"Oh, yeah, you've got walls that make prisons proud. Well,
for what it's worth, here's a little more tenderness for you."
Sonny leaned forward. He was encroaching into her space. Alexis
fought the urge to lean backwards, so their faces were a scant two
inches from each other. "Alexis, I loved you. I loved you back
then, back when we were friends. I loved you as a friend, and I
loved you as more than that, and you never gave me one single chance,
not one single second, to say it. And when I left you, I left this
huge stinking pile of love with you, lying right there at your doorstep,
and you wouldn't even look at it. And," Sonny leaned in even
closer, and this time Alexis did lean back a little, wide-eyed and
afraid, "you left nothing of yourself with me. You got more
of me than any woman before or since. And I had nothing of you.
Not a sliver. I never knew what the hell you felt about me. Maybe
that's because it was nothing."
Done with his tirade, Sonny eased off. He seemed to realize he was
practically crouching over Alexis like a predator. His expression
softened; he sat back down in his place. He looked chagrined.
After a moment, Alexis found her voice, though barely. "That's
not true," she whispered. "You -- you haunted me.
You have no idea how much of me you took when you walked away."
Sonny lifted his eyes to hers. They shone brightly, welling up with
tears. "Then tell me," he prompted in a whisper that matched
Alexis'. "Say it."
*Say it, Alexis* her inner voice urged. *Own your feelings, for
once in your life.* Alexis struggled within herself, but the need
to answer him honestly was stronger than her fear. "I loved
you, Sonny," she said, barely audible, frowning. "I loved
you as a friend, and as more than a friend. And when you left, it
broke my heart in half. I thought I'd never breathe again."
"Me either," Sonny said. The tears escaped both their
eyes. Sonny realized he was panting, as if he'd just run a long
race. Or was just beginning one. He leaned forward; he put a hand
to Alexis' face. Her skin felt so soft against his palm, and he
brushed his thumb back and forth across her cheek. He leaned forward,
and she didn't lean back.
*I'm terrified,* Sonny thought to himself, looking at Alexis' face.
It struck him suddenly that this was what had always frightened
him about her: that if it ever came to this (and it had, once before),
if he ever allowed himself to be with her, as a man to a woman,
that it would force him to become the man he was capable of being.
A better man than he'd ever been. I don't know if I'm strong
enough for this, he thought, but then that's what courage is
for, and he leaned forward as far as he could and kissed her soft,
soft lips.
